In the April 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine, Sex Uninterrupted’s Taara Rose gives her tips on how to say “no” and speak up for yourself in consensual non-monogamy and life in general.
This Issue’s Question
Q: Hi Taara! I know that saying “no” is a big part of the lifestyle, but I still have trouble with speaking up and using this word. Do you have any tips or reminders to help me with speaking up when I need to?
A: This is such a great topic to bring up, and I am so glad you asked this question. First of all, I want you to remember, “you can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no1”. You have the power to use this word at any time without feeling bad or explaining yourself further. Saying no is honoring yourself and is practicing self-love.
I know it sounds like an easy concept, yet so many people have difficulty expressing it. So why is it so hard for us to say no?! Especially WOMEN?! For starters, most women are people-pleasers. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad. We want everyone to like us, and we don’t want someone to be angry with us or deal with conflict.
Well, I am here to tell you ladies… that is absurd! Saying no and respecting what your body, soul, and vagina want are critical to your sexuality — and life! If you desire a life in non-monogamy, getting comfortable with using (and receiving!) this word is crucial.
An important thing to keep in mind is that you are not responsible for the emotions and feelings someone has when you say no and clearly state your rules and boundaries. What they feel and how they react should not be projected or absorbed by you. Of course, compassion goes a long way; saying no does not have to come across as rude. But ultimately, your no is for them to deal with — not you.
Tips from Taara’s Spiritual Slut Online Program
To help you with saying no, I have provided some tips that are from my Spiritual Slut online program for women. I hope you find them helpful!
First, acknowledge the offer. Don’t ghost them, walk away, or be rude. Genuinely acknowledge the fact that they asked you. Asking can be stressful, too. Say something like, “It’s so thoughtful to include us in the invite!” or, “Oh wow! Thank you for asking!”
Next, decline politely and clearly as possible. Use the real reason or a believable one if you don’t feel like sharing the real reason why. I find “we aren’t interested” keeps it simple and to the point.
Sometimes, you may still want to be friends, or the timing is wrong for playing. We’ve been on trips where on day one, we weren’t very interested, but after spending a few dinners or pool games, we were! And we’ve had times when we didn’t feel like playing with a new couple at a big party; we wanted to save it for a more intimate experience. Being honest and open about why you’re saying no is certainly encouraged, too. And this is where the compassion comes into play. Be kind! The community is small, and you never know what can change.
Own Your No
Owning your no isn’t just applied to non-monogamy. It comes up in muggle life as well. At work, with friends, with family, with your kids, with someone trying to budge you in line. Learning to OWN your no is life changing and a step towards taking on the self-love you deserve.
Wishing you the best!
Keep it sexy!
1: Tiny Buddha – Lori Deschene
This article originally appeared in the April 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.