First Time with a Dominatrix? Here’s What You Need to Know

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First Time with a Dominatrix? Here's What You Need to Know

Hello everyone. I’m Alice Little, a legal sex worker, and educator, here to help answer some of the burning questions people have about engaging with a professional dominatrix for the first time.


Dominatrices and sex worker dominatrices that work in a unique profession can both differ greatly and be similar. As someone that does both, I can shed some distinct light on the subject.

As sex workers, dominatrices operate outside society’s current definitions of what is traditional and face a professional stigma. Facing that stigma means that people in this profession are often open-minded, empathetic, and able to make you feel comfortable from the start. So, don’t let your nerves get in the way of pursuing an experience that could be life-changing! Both dominatrices and sex workers provide services that go far beyond the physiological. Most of what I do is not sexual. The principal parts of my job are emotional, psychological, or intellectual. The sex portion of sex worker is significant, but not the most significant. The skill sets that people in my line of work often get the most use out of include intuition, creativity, background and as a sex educator, improvisation, and the ability to put people at ease and foster transparent communication. Sometimes, we double as life coaches that help people get a clear view of what they want, whether that be a swift descent into subspace or the ability to articulate precisely what they want in the bedroom. People who interpret sex work as analogous to lying on one’s back and thinking of England vastly misunderstand how much skill is involved.

What you will get with a Dominatrix:

Though the experience may well be sexual, dominatrices aren’t always legal sex workers and, as such, they don’t provide traditional sexual experiences like intercourse, blowjobs, and the like. Asking for those conventional sexual services that the dominatrix isn’t legally able to provide can really wreck the mood and can put a damper on your time together.

The fact is, a great many people find the idea of getting flogged by someone in revealing dress (if that’s how the dominatrix chooses to dress) to be incredibly sexual. For some of those who are interested in working with a dominatrix, pain is an emotional release, and for others, pain is pleasure. Depending on what the client is interested in, the gratification of a fetish can feel as good as or better than sex. Whether it’s sexual for you or not, any dominatrix worth her salt can induce an incredible endorphin rush that can sometimes feel like an out of body experience. It’s a true feast for the senses and perhaps best described as a wildly sensual experience.

During your introduction with a dominatrix, be sure to outline what you know you’re interested in already. Keep an open mind; there might be some experiences you had no idea you would enjoy that your dominatrix identifies along the way. Also, mention any activities that are off the table. The first session functions as research and development, with the dominatrix testing what works for you and what does not. Dominatrices are experts at quickly sifting through unproductive activities to get to the bottom of what the submissive wants from the session.

Depending on how intense the session becomes; aftercare can vary from light to comprehensive. Sometimes a glass of water and a blanket are all that is needed, other times a debriefing of the experience and a back rub may be more apt. The dominatrix is there to ensure that the sharp plunge of endorphins and adrenaline doesn’t leave the client feeling dreary.

What you will get with a sex worker:

Legal sex workers can offer both kink services and sexual experiences, within the legal confines of the state or country where they operate. This means you’re able to have safe sex in whatever way looks most enticing to you, dependent upon the sex worker’s individual hard limits. I identify as a switch (I enjoy both dominating and submitting), and I also have extensive experience as a femdom. In fact, most of my BDSM oriented clients come to me for my domination services, which you might not have guessed on account of my height. (I’m only 4’8”!) But what I lack in stature, I more than make up for in being cunning. I like to get inside my client’s heads and take charge of their thoughts until they fully relinquish control. Taking ownership of someone’s body and pleasure is a thrill, and it’s always fun to introduce a newbie to kink. Their whole idea of sexual pleasure opens up to new experiences and sensations. I am trained in Shibari, too, so my clients can benefit from my rope skills in addition to my domination prowess, and together we create a very intense session.

Since I am a legal sex worker, we can add sex to the kink. For some clients, this is the perfect way to end our time together. For those who simply want to be dominated, sex can be unnecessary. Incorporating kink into sex can be a big stress reliever for my submissive clients, but the two components don’t need to happen concurrently in order to be enjoyable.

Tips for your first time:

Be brutally honest about your expectations of your kink experience. Telling the dominatrix how much experience you have keeps you safe during your first session. If you are getting flogged and find yourself heading into subspace (a euphoric state of mind that submissives sometimes experience during a particularly pleasurable session where they may not be completely lucid), the dominatrix needs to know if you’re new. She can then adjust her methods to make sure that you don’t fall down the rabbit hole farther than you’d like. If you’ve been with a dominatrix a time or two, you’re probably more mindful of precisely how much punishment you’d like to take.

The Dos

Do use safe words:
No matter what you’ve seen in movies about people who forego safe words, don’t be drawn in by this unrealistic practice. Identify your safe words and use them as necessary! Proficient use of safe words gives the dominatrix a sense of what you like versus what exhausts you and keeps you far from activities that might trigger hard limits. The session will be richer overall, and both of you will feel more comfortable. Also, make sure your safe words are easy to remember so that mid-session you aren’t straining to recall “sesquipedalian” or “Worcestershire.” The words should be something you use rather infrequently though so that they are accidentally uttered.

Do provide details:
Before you book a session, make sure you’re familiar with exactly what you like and want. Delve in even deeper and ask why do you like or want those things? What is hot about this idea to you? When you recognize the motivation behind your interest and communicate that with the dominatrix, you give her the tools to make the session far more intense. Like I mentioned earlier, psychology is more than a little involved in this process.

Some examples are:

  • Does the idea of being verbally degraded or humiliated turn you on more than the idea of being flogged?
  • Do you have an identity as a submissive, like a pet, slave, toy, or a good boy? 
  • What combination of physical punishment and psychological domination sounds most appealing to you? 
  • Have you considered specific scenarios you would like to occur, like corporal punishment, boot-licking, worshipping, or some sort of act of service towards the dominatrix in which you’d like to participate?
  • Are you interested in incorporating toys or props like rope, handcuffs, blindfolds, gags, or other specific gear that would really enhance your experience? 

Let your dominatrix know before the session, and you will get a lot more out of your time.

Do disclose relevant medical conditions:
Medical conditions can affect the activities that you enjoy with the dominatrix. Conditions such as blood pressure issues, diabetes, or even a latex allergy are essential to mention. Getting an itchy rash is seriously going to distract from the fun you’re having!

The Don’ts

Don’t be late for your appointment:
Time is money and, in this case, it’s your money. Being late for your appointment isn’t only an expensive mistake for you to make, it also shows disrespect for your dominatrix’s time as well. It’s not the best foot to get started on, and it can lead to a rushed feeling during the experience.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions:
Give yourself permission to ask all the questions you want prior to getting started. Before your first session, you might have a preponderance of questions, but you’ll feel better having them out of the way. Some dominatrices allow you to contact them before the session in order to clear up any confusion.  This practice will ensure you’re ready to go when the time arrives. She may even have some suggestions for ways to spend your time that hadn’t occurred to you. Since she’s the expert, you’re going to want to
consider these suggestions carefully.

Don’t let nerves spoil your fun:
Feeling a bit nervous before booking with a dominatrix for the first time is totally natural. After all, it’s the dominatrix’s job to be calm and in control throughout the range of emotions a submissive client experiences, and that is vast, varied, and most of the time includes nervous excitement. If you’re feeling more than just apprehensive, you can do a few things to help yourself relax. First, write down your concerns. If they don’t improve on their own before your appointment, share that list with the dominatrix so that you’re both on the same page. Next, realize that you’re the one who is in control. You may be meeting with an intimidating dominatrix, but you’re the one who decided you want this encounter for yourself. You initiated this, and you can pull the plug. Just remember that canceling can mean risking the dominatrix’s interest in working with you in the future, and you may lose your deposit. Lastly, remember the reasons you were interested in the first place. You’re about to enter a brand-new sexual universe, and that’s worth celebrating.

In the end, only you can determine if your excitement outweighs your nerves. It’s an important decision, so make it carefully and choose a dominatrix that you trust.

First Time with a Dominatrix? Here’s What You Need to Know

This article originally appeared in the June 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.

First Time with a Dominatrix? Here’s What You Need to Know


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First Time with a Dominatrix? Here’s What You Need to Know

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