By Alice Little for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
Hello again, everybody. I’m Alice Little — sex worker and educator extraordinaire — here to answer some questions I am frequently asked: How do you have safe group sex? How do you use safe sex best practices without ruining the mood? How do you practice proper orgy etiquette?
As a sex worker, I’ve been in plenty of orgies, threesomes, and group parties of all kinds. I also am required to be a safe sex ninja of sorts for the protection of myself as well as my clients, so I can definitely help you have fun and stay safe without breaking a sweat.
Group Sex: Why it’s So Hot
Having sex with more than one person at once is still considered a bit taboo, even in more sexually liberal circles. It’s a common fantasy for many people, but that fantasy can come from differing desires. If you’ve fantasized about it on your own, it could be that you’re interested in having two people as your captive audience and being the center of their attention.
If you are interested in engaging in group sex with a partner, you may be interested in being cuckolded (or a cuckquean), which is a sort of an anachronism and an outdated term for wanting to watch your partner have sex with others. Or, you and your partner may want to watch others or be watched while you’re having sex — exhibitionism and voyeurism are both pretty common sexual interests. Maybe you’re just ready for something new, exciting, and adventurous. These are all valid reasons for wanting to engage in group sex, and they’re a lot of fun to see to fruition.
What to Keep on Hand
For successful group sex, you’re going to want to load up on condoms (both latex and not), dental dams or other barriers for vaginal oral sex, lube to prevent dryness-related injuries, and a body-safe cleaner. My favorite cleanser is the Swiss Navy Toy and Body Cleaner, which is compatible with condoms and toys, kills germs and microbes, and even cleans the leftover drips of lube from playing with a partner. Baby wipes soaked in rubbing alcohol will do the trick, as well.
Think of these tools as you would a seatbelt: they’re not the most fun part of your group sex road trip, but they’re necessary in order to have safe, carefree fun.
Protecting Against STIs
First things first: you’ll need different kinds of protection for different kinds of threesomes. It may seem obvious, but it bears mentioning: if you’re having an all-female orgy without any strap-ons, forget the condoms and load up on dental dams and lube. Though oral sex carries less risk than penetrative sex, it is not risk-free, so protection must be used in order to stay safe.
The best way to ensure barriers against STIs are effective is always to remember that each barrier has two sides, and an individual side should only ever come into contact with one person’s fluids. To demonstrate this, let’s walk through a couple of scenarios together.
A prevalent threesome configuration in my line of work is two females with a male, and it’s one of my favorite types of threesomes. What’s important to remember here is that just because the male is wearing a condom, it doesn’t mean the sex is safe. If he switches which partner he is penetrating, he must also grab a new condom. Sometimes this encounter can be more convenient if one woman is wearing an internal condom, and the male uses a regular condom with the other woman. Internal condoms can take a bit longer to obtain, so this will take a bit of advance planning to pull off.
Safe-seeming activities during an FFM threesome, like fingering, are somewhat more complex. It’s always good to use one hand for one lady, and one hand for the other. If you get worried that you’ll forget, just wash up (with the wipes or cleaning spray!) before switching partners, or put a condom on your fingers, to ensure that you are not transferring germs.
Male, male, female is another potential configuration. Fun fact about brothel safety: at the ranch, when this type of threesome is occurring, another woman is in the room watching. For protection during this type of threesome, plenty of condoms and lube are advised. And remember, switch condoms if you’ve switched holes as well.
Next, let’s talk orgies. Orgies are set up in a variety of ways. In a female-centric orgy, sometimes referred to as a gangbang, one woman is typically the center of attention for multiple males. A male-centric orgy, also quite a common fantasy, is sometimes referred to as a reverse gangbang. Lastly, there’s the free-for-all, where everyone is involved with everyone, and a lot of activities are occurring in the same space. In any of these situations, it’s always wise to ask when the last time every RSVP’d guest at your group sex soiree was tested for STIs. Set the standard of safety upfront, and you’ll have a much more relaxed time during the event.
There are a million different flavors of group sex beyond their gendered configurations. Some people involve their fetishes; another common variation is kink-related group sex. Kink-minded folks often use the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual.” To that, I’d like to recommend a fourth: sober. When having group sex, there are so many moving parts to keep track of. Who is allergic to latex, who does not consent to kissing, who were you last fingering — all these questions and more can come into play. Indulging in alcohol or drugs sets you up to lose track, and when your sexual safety is on the line, it’s just not worth it.
Consent and Etiquette
Showing up at an orgy or threesome is not the same as consenting to participate. Consent is as important — if not more so — to group sex safety as barriers. Consent maintains the wellbeing of psychological and relationship boundaries that group sex participants might have. You can never tell what might be a boundary for someone just by looking at them. And that thing you’re certain everyone likes? Someone out there hates it.
To ensure everyone is comfortable with the activities at hand, you’ll need consent at every stop along the way. New toy? Ask first. New partner? Ask first. New activity? Ask first. Some people who are in open relationships use a phenomenon called “partnered consent” in which certain activities are only okay with certain partners. This may sound complicated at first, but nothing is complicated if you stick to the golden rule: ask first.
Another staple of group sex etiquette is to never surprise your partner with a threesome or an orgy. Even if you’re pretty sure they’d be into it, you’re going to want to check with them first. Not disclosing plans to have a threesome or orgy is just bad form.
Taking these precautions ensures that during your group sex experience, everyone can relax and enjoy themselves. Worrying about STI transmission, unplanned pregnancy, or crossing a boundary with a partner is a surefire way to kill the mood. But with a little planning, you can put everyone’s mind at ease and fully focus on the pleasure at hand.
About Alice Little
Check out TheAliceLittle.com for more articles about sex work, sex safety, and find out why I’m the #1 earning legal sex worker in America! Or, reach out to me directly and book some of my time at [email protected]
This article originally appeared in the October 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.