Hysteria: Ariel Andrews’ Confessions of The Girl Next Door

By Ariel Andrews for ASN Lifestyle Magazine

Have you ever been “dickpressed?” Ever gone so long without a good dick down that you experience symptoms of depression? Moodiness, crankiness, bitchiness, and being short-fused? I certainly have. Those happen to be my exact symptoms. Maybe you’ve been so distraught with repressed horniness that you might have even been called hysterical? The vibrator was actually created during the Victorian era to treat this [no longer recognized] real-life, debilitating medical condition coined ​hysteria.

A Little Bit of Hy-story

According to National Geographic, “one of the first five electric gadgets ever created besides the sewing machine, fan, toaster and tea kettle, was an eclectic plug-in sexual stimulator, known as the vibrator. It was a cure-all for a series of mysterious complaints, collectively called hysteria, ​that plagued Victorian era women.” [No resource details provided; just… vibe with it.] If you were stressed, unhappy with life, acting against Victorian-era female standards, etc., you were sick with hysteria. The physician would manually stimulate the vulvar area until the female patient reached a hysterical break (read: an orgasm), which had at least momentarily cured her of her paralyzing medical condition. Then, he would release the built-up pressure in the sex organs that was thought to cause hysteria. There was little knowledge of the female orgasm at the time, as it was thought to have no purpose. The task was so physically arduous, so time-consuming, and so prolific, that it created the necessity for an electric stimulator. The first vibrator was a steam-engine-powered table that the patient would sit on in the doctor’s office. Then, in 1902, the first personal vibrator was created. That was even before women won the right to vote in 1919.

Ohhh, the good old days when you could legally have your doctor finger-fuck you in his office until you came all over him or hold you down on the exam table with a massive vibrator strapped to your pussy. Steampunk porn, anyone?! Yes, please!

Today, We’re Bat Shit Crazy or Dickpressed

Back to modern day. Instead of hysteria, we call it bat shit crazy or dickpressed​. If your woman has gone days without some good dick, there is a high likelihood that she’ll be walking around the house, being nasty, and slamming shit. She may even be mouthy and give you attitude. So take it from me and the one hundred years of medical science and either lay some pipe or strap her to a table, finger-fuck her like you’re trying to pull out her soul, or use a good vibrator. I highly recommend a Magic Wand. You are dealing with a true medical condition here, and if you care anything about her mental health or yours, you would do as the doctor orders.

Ariel’s Advice to Men

I always tell my man, I don’t care what happens — if I’m upset for any reason, even if I’m giving you mega attitude from brat hell, or I’m so depressed that even peanut butter doesn’t make me happy, please throw me down, cover my mouth, and fuck the attitude right out of me. Even if I don’t deserve his cum, that gives me something to work for now. Something that I have to earn! It’s been said that all things are forgiven through Christ Jesus, well I’m telling you all things are forgiven through a severe pussy pounding. Write that down. Truth be told, there is nothing more holey than the trinity — three holes, in fact. And we just want to be filled with your holey spirit. And on Bust A Nut in the Butt Sunday!

You men have the keys to the kingdom with a good dick down. Your key literally fits in our keyhole and unlocks sanity and happiness. In a lifestyle situation, the best way to increase your chances of getting laid by other females, especially in a “take one for the team situation,” is to passionately fuck your woman silly so that her cup is overflowing with orgasms and happiness. That way, she is more likely to say yes. If you’re good enough at it, she’ll be whoring your dick out, showing it off to the other females, praising how good you are.

You’ve reached Mastermind Status if you manage to fuck her so well that she is too sore to carry on but sees that you’re still raging hard and ready to go. That’s when she’ll start requesting backup from her friends. She will bring you the hottest chicks she can find and carry along with her condoms, lube, a hair tie, and a bottle of water. In this situation, girls will show some love to other girls for making their man happy when their pussy is shut down.

In closing, I wanted to shed some light on the medical condition of dickpression​. If we raise enough awareness, countless lives, marriages, and families will be saved. We should hopefully be able to save bank accounts, Facebooks, cars, and phones from being destroyed as well. Please support this charitable cause by regularly donating your favorite organ to your woman’s vagine and, if possible, make multiple direct deposits. Thank You!

This article originally appeared in the October 2020 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.