By Therapist & Sex Coach Matt Valentine-Chase for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
I’m a Sex Coach. It’s a weird title to have because it conjures images of someone standing over you whilst you’re shagging and screaming, “Yes! Great penetration! Keep at it!” But a sex coach is simply a therapist who specializes in helping people to get the best out of their sex lives. I used to do hands-on coaching, like sexual massage and energy massage, to teach sexual tips and tricks to enhance pleasure. As with all careers, mine has evolved, and in the context of the job, it became ‘hands off’ and more instructional, supportive, and therapeutic. It’s an exciting place to be, and I would love to share this with you.
The ‘Real Session’ & How Therapy & Sex Work Overlap
Over the course of my career, I have helped men and women get in touch with who they really are and what they really want from their sex lives. When I worked as a professional escort, I, of course, went to hotels and clients’ homes to offer what is called an ‘out call’ in “the business.” These were exciting times for different reasons; sneaking past hotel reception, identifying where the lifts are, and being as inconspicuous as possible. Then there is the knock on the hotel room door. Who will be on the other side of it? What will he / she want? How can I help him or her? This all supports my work as a therapist and also helps the wider communities in society to understand that: sex is healthy, sex workers (escorts, sexual masseurs, etc.) are real people, and that those real people can and do help you with your sex life. In my opinion, sex workers are sex educators and can support the emotional balance in your life. I happen to have the experience of being an escort in the past and a therapist. So I can see the transferrable skills and how they help people.
Some years ago, I attended a party where the attendees were all sex workers. The main topic of conversation was what happens when the ‘real session’ starts. In the business, ‘the real session’ happens after the sex. This is well known within the industry. The real session is when the client tells you why they have really booked to see you — they may be lonely, they might be in a sexless marriage, or they might have lost all their sexual confidence.
Remind you of anything? The therapeutic relationship. I’ve been a (very loud!) advocate for sex workers’ rights and the sex workers’ valid and valuable role in society as sexual educators and informal therapists. It goes with the job.
In ‘the real session,’ the client becomes open, vulnerable (this often happens to us all after climax; it’s a biological and psycho-sexual response to orgasm), and very honest. It is at this point that the client moves from what they want(ed) to what they need. This process is both fascinating and saddening all at the same time.
What We Want vs. What We Need
Why the fuck are we all running around, grabbing at what we want, when all the time what we really need is bubbling underneath the surface? Why have we just spent four hundred quid on being spanked for an hour when all we really needed was a hug? My hugs are free people, roll up.
Notice the next time you have sex (or have a wank / a rumble in the jungle) how you feel before you climax and how you feel afterwards. A little therapeutic trick / identifier for this could be as simple as asking yourself on a scale of one to ten, how relaxed am I? Then ask the same question afterwards.
Now, do you want to take this to the next level? On a scale of one to ten, how lonely am I? I bet you your bottom dollar that you find yourself feeling lonelier afterwards. Why is this? Because we often misinterpret sex for emotion. Now, do not misunderstand me — sex is emotion, and emotion is sex — but only if you are aware of this and / or you have a regular partner to make love to. I have said this before, and I shall continue to shout this from the rooftops — you can make love on a one-night stand.
In order to do this — you need to recognize what you need rather than what you want.
The tips above will help you to take just one step towards achieving this. I am keeping this as short as possible to keep your attention. I’ll be back with more help, advice — and love.
Here’s to what you need…
Matt Valentine-Chase is a therapist and sex coach.
Online at: www.sexcoaching.london
This article originally appeared in the March 2022 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine