Attending a BDSM Play Party

By Mistress Cyan for ASN Lifestyle Magazine

If you’re reading this article, it’s probably safe to assume that you have some level of interest in learning more and are perhaps even inspired to explore this aspect of your sexuality. So, let’s discuss what you should know when attending a BDSM party or event.

BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) parties or events are social gatherings for people who are interested in exploring their kinks and fetishes in a safe, consensual, and respectful environment. These events offer an opportunity to meet like-minded individuals, socialize, and engage in BDSM activities. However, attending such events requires a certain code of conduct and protocol behavior to ensure that everyone involved has a positive experience and remains safe.

Most commercial dungeons, playspaces, and events that allow attendees to participate in BDSM activities have “supervisors” who are generally referred to as “Dungeon Masters / Monitors” or “DMs.” These individuals are usually people who have been in the lifestyle for many years and are well-trained in BDSM activities and safety. They are there to make sure the play that is going on is safe and are available for questions. They are empowered to enforce the rules of the dungeon and / or stop a “scene” if they observe any activity that they feel is unsafe, a violation of general rules or protocol, or may believe the limits of one of the participants are being disrespected. Generally, the DM has the final say about the activity they observe.

Many private parties may not have anyone designated as a DM. In those cases, it is best to ask the host of the party or event what the rules are and what may not be allowed. Private parties and events that do not have a DM usually have attendees who are experienced and knowledgeable who will speak up and step in if they observe activities that may be unsafe or prohibited.

1. Respect Everyone’s Limits: The most important aspect of attending a BDSM event is respecting the limits of others. This means that participants should only engage in activities that have been explicitly consented to by all parties involved. Negotiating boundaries before engaging in any activity is crucial to ensure that everyone is comfortable and safe.
2. Consent: Consent is the foundation of BDSM. It is essential that all parties involved in any BDSM activity provide explicit and enthusiastic consent. This means that consent should be given freely, without pressure or coercion, and must be obtained for every individual activity.
3. Safe Words: A safe word is a pre-agreed upon word or phrase that signals an immediate halt to any BDSM activity. It is important that participants have a clear understanding of their partner’s safe word and respect it at all times.
4. Dress Code: Many BDSM events have a dress code, which is usually communicated ahead of time. Participants should adhere to the dress code and respect the dress code of others.
5. Respectful Behavior: Participants should treat each other with respect and dignity at all times. This includes avoiding comments or actions that may be perceived as condescending, insulting, or offensive.
6. No Photography: Taking photos or videos of others without their consent is strictly prohibited at BDSM events. This is to protect the privacy of participants and maintain a safe and respectful environment.
7. No Drugs or Alcohol: Using drugs or excessive alcohol can impair judgment and increase the risk of harm to oneself and others. Participants should refrain from using drugs or excessive alcohol at BDSM events.

1. Greeting: Participants should greet others with a friendly and respectful demeanor. This sets the tone for a positive and respectful atmosphere.
2. Introduction: Participants should introduce themselves to others and engage in polite conversation. This allows them to get to know each other and build a rapport.
3. Observing: Participants are welcome to observe BDSM activities taking place but should avoid interfering or making comments unless specifically invited to do so by the participants involved.
4. Joining In: If a participant wishes to join in on a BDSM activity, they should ask for permission from all parties involved and respect any boundaries that have been established.
5. Aftercare: After a BDSM activity, participants should take time for aftercare. This may include cuddling, talking, or simply taking a moment to catch their breath. Aftercare helps participants return to a state of physical and emotional well-being after an intense experience.

Attending a BDSM event can be an incredibly rewarding experience, but it is important to follow a code of conduct and protocol behavior to ensure that everyone involved has a positive and safe experience. By respecting each other’s limits, consenting to activities, and treating each other with respect, participants can create a supportive and respectful environment where they can explore their kinks and fetishes in a safe and consensual manner.

*Mistress Cyan is a professional Dominatrix, educator, and BDSM Lifestyle Coach in Los Angeles who owns Sanctuary, the largest dungeon in Los Angeles. She is the Founder and Executive Producer of DomCon Los Angeles and DomCon New Orleans. She also serves on The Board of Directors for LA Pride and The Los Angeles Leather Coalition.

This article originally appeared in the March 2023 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.