If you’ve ever thought about going to a sex club or swingers club, but you weren’t sure what to expect or how to approach everything, then this blog is for you!
I’m dishing out all the tips and ways to help you prepare for your sexy night out so you can feel confident stepping into a sex club or swingers club.
Read on for all the dirty details…
Swingers Clubs and Sex Clubs 101
Want to know the ins and outs of what to expect at the club?
As a relationship, sex, and open lifestyle coach, I’ve helped many couples and singles overcome their fear or nervousness about attending a swingers club and discover how to navigate slowly and safely, at their own speed, and while respecting their personal and relationship boundaries.
I’ve enjoyed the erotic excitement of the open lifestyle as both a unicorn (single female-identified person) and as a couple, and both seen and experienced firsthand the ways in which swingers club experiences can go wrong, especially for newbies to the lifestyle.
Here are 23 things to know (ideally) before you attend a swingers or sex club.
What to Expect
The best way to approach a sex club is to have NO expectations at all, but to be prepared both mentally and physically. Sex clubs typically have events, theme nights, or dress-up nights, so research the club and plan accordingly.
You can expect to go into a sexy place with interesting, erotic people who you can talk to, dance with, flirt with, or maybe more… IF you so choose.
If you do end up playing at the club, know that some places have more private areas, like rooms or curtained-off spaces, for singles and couples to play. Some European-inspired clubs have open play areas where anyone can watch and have sex, but that doesn’t mean people can or will touch you without permission. Just know that you may not have a corner to yourselves.
Do Your Research on Safety Precautions
Before going to a sex club, do your research on their rules, safety precautions, and policies. Read the reviews, ask around, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Call the club, arrange a tour in the “off hours,” or go in during a “meet and greet” before the club opens for the night to get a feel for how comfortable and safe you feel there.
Stay in Control
Don’t get drunk or high, because then you are not able to give consent or communicate your boundaries to others. Stay in control enough that you can say NO if needed. You may even opt to stay sober instead. Trust me, the erotic experience of being in a sex club is exhilarating even while sober!
Have an Exit Plan
Make sure that you have an escape plan and a safe way to get home that doesn’t rely on your date or friends! Shit happens, so always have a backup plan and cash on hand in case you need to call a taxi, Uber, or get caught in a bind and can’t use your credit card. Charge your phone before you go, and keep your important items like keys and your wallet on you at all times.
Put Yourself at Ease
It might seem like sex clubs are an all-out orgy, but they’re not (well, not always)! When you walk in, there’s usually a bar and dance floor in the front with separate play areas. It’s pretty similar to a regular nightclub, except some people may dress skimpier, especially for theme nights. There may be erotic decor, sexy dancing, a DJ, live entertainment, stripper cages and poles, etc.
Most sex clubs have rules about phones and not taking photos or videos inside, so chances are that you won’t be put on blast on someone’s social media.
Relax, take the pressure off, and enjoy the new experience. You do NOT have to commit to doing anything sexual just because you’re in a sex club. You can just go, have a drink, explore, and feel the vibe.
My pre-club routine is always to put on my lingerie and heels and dance around the house with the music on full blast. This can help you feel more relaxed and in a sexier state of mind before going to a swingers club.
What You Can Do at a Sex Club
When you hit up the sex club, you can look around, enjoy the music, dance, drink, meet new people, and play with others. Just make sure to get consent before you touch and ask permission to watch people if they’re having sex. Be respectful, keep a good distance, and respect the dress code or party theme.
What You Can’t Do at a Sex Club
You can’t touch people without their consent or be disrespectful or disruptive to other patrons or staff. You shouldn’t be taking photos or videos of yourself or other people at the club, even if the swinger club doesn’t have an express policy about doing so. You can’t wear running shoes or other items that go against the dress code.
How to Pursue Others
If you want to pursue or meet someone, I recommend that in a heterosexual (male/female) couples situation, the woman takes the lead as it feels less threatening. I know I LOVE when other women flirt with me! Compliment her or use an icebreaker that makes everyone feel more at ease. Don’t just focus on physical appearance, but be more personal. Remember, these are people and they should be treated with respect, no matter where the night takes you.
If you want to watch or play with someone or another couple, even if they’re already having sex or playing, you should still always ask permission to watch, approach, touch, or join. It doesn’t ruin the mood, but lets them know you’re serious about respecting boundaries. Then, be sure to communicate your boundaries with them and talk about sexual health and protective barriers for safer sex.
Pay Attention to Signals
Pay attention to the signals others give you. Body language is key here, and if someone isn’t meeting your attempts at eye contact or they turn around when you’re looking at them, they’re likely not interested, so don’t push it further, just move on.
Use open body language and keep your hands visible and head high. Keep distractions away and focus on others so they know you’re open to a conversation. Stand at a respectful distance of a few feet and don’t touch without consent.
Relax, play it cool, and don’t come in too forcefully and offer to buy someone a drink the second you get to the bar. Smile, ease into the vibe and the conversation, and listen. Keep your conversations personal and avoid topics like religion or politics. Be polite, even if you’re not interested in them, but don’t be afraid to use your NO if you really need to. And if they aren’t getting the hint, feel free to be more obvious and turn away, take your leave, head to the restroom, or signal your friend, partner, the bartender or staff to help you get out of an uncomfortable or awkward conversation.
For neurodiverse folks who have some trouble reading and interpreting eye contact, or social cues, trying to tune in to someone’s body language can be a challenge or even impossible. If you want to approach someone, you can let them know that you have trouble with these nuances and require more direct language to communicate.
Swingers Clubs Tips For Single Men
Check a Club’s Policy for Single Men
If you’re a single man going to a sex or swingers club, be sure that the club you want to go to allows single men on the night that you want to go. Some clubs have couples-only nights and only allow single men in on certain nights, so be sure to check in before you go. Some sex clubs have a strict “no single men” policy with no exceptions, so always double-check the rules of the club before getting too excited.
Remember, No One OWES You Sex
It’s also important to know that even though you’re prepared to potentially have sex, that doesn’t mean that anyone in the club OWES you sex. Keep your ego in check, because you are not entitled to getting laid just because you paid to get into a club or have a membership. Paying at the door or for a membership only entitles you to be on the premises and have use of the facilities available for members.
Even if you’re going to a private party or you’re taking someone on a date, sex should never be assumed as a given. You must ALWAYS ask for consent before getting handsy or taking it to the next level. And remember, someone can consent at the beginning and can still ask you to stop at any time they want to (for any reason, and they don’t have to share their reason with you).
If you can’t abide by being respectful and ensuring enthusiastic consent from your partners, you’re in the wrong fucking place.
Tips For Single Women (Unicorns) at Swingers Clubs
Bring a Friend the First Time
For we female folks, your physical safety has to be top of mind, much more so than single men. Yes, I know that sucks, and it’s absolute bullshit that we have to consider our physical safety wherever we roam. I’d much rather spend that same mental energy on planning my outfits or shamelessly exploring my Lexuality.
If this is your first time going to a sex club, bring a wingman that you trust along to help you get a feel for the club and how it works before you go solo.
Feel Out The Staff
Get to know the bartenders and security staff, because you’ll feel much more comfortable and safe being there by yourself. They’re also trained to watch out extra for single women’s well-being in their club. Most staff are very helpful and committed to the safety of their guests, so make sure to go to them if you need an out or you’re having doubts about your or others’ safety.
Have a Friend on Standby When You Go Solo
If you DO choose to attend the sex club solo at some point, tell a trusted friend or two exactly where you’re going and when, and let them know when you get home safe at the end of the night. If you need to, ask them to be on standby with their phone in case of emergency.
Use Your NO
Don’t be afraid to use your NO when you’re in a swingers club, no matter the circumstance. If your boundaries or consent are in danger of being violated, or you feel uncomfortable, use your NO. Don’t worry about coming off as a nice and polite “good girl.” If you’re not interested in someone and don’t want to have sex with them, that’s a hard NO, so be sure to communicate that and stand your ground. If you feel unsafe in the sex club or someone isn’t respecting your NO, tell one of the staff members ASAP so they can put their protocols in place and take care of you.
Tips For Couples at Swingers Clubs
Set Boundaries for THAT NIGHT
Couples, if you’re going to the sex club, it’s important to set your boundaries for that night and communicate them to each other. If you’re only comfortable watching your partner kiss one person, then that’s your hard limit for the night, and nothing else beyond that. If your partner isn’t comfortable watching you play with someone else, encourage open communication and no judgment about their comfort zone. That way, when you’re in the heat of the moment in the sex club, even if you’re both feeling enticed to go further, you always have that set boundary to fall back on: “We agreed we wouldn’t go beyond kissing for tonight.”
Having the mindset of “we’ll never get a chance like this again” is bullshit and can lead to going too far, too fast, have you breaking boundaries, losing trust in each other, or worse. Ultimately, you may end up doing something you’re not ready for, and once you do, you can’t take it back.
Sticking to your initial boundaries for that night will help you both stay on the same page and keep you from letting that lust-induced brain fog push you into making bad decisions. Remember, there’s no “undo” button in real life, and especially not in a swingers club.
Visit the Sex Club Together First
If the open lifestyle, monogamy, and sex clubs are new to you, ask your partner to visit the sex club with you just to get a feel for it, experience the ambiance, and soak up the eroticism for a night. Use this time to explore together with no expectations. Go in with an open mind and just watch what happens around you so you have a better idea of what you may be comfortable with next time you go to a sex club together. Maybe you’ll want to flirt with other couples and/or singles next time or even have sex together while others watch. Or maybe you won’t. It’s all up to you!
Use the Slower Person As Your Guide
With couples, usually one person is more ready than the other to dive into a new experience like having sex with others. Always go at the pace of the slower person and make their comfort level your guide. Don’t EVER try to convince your partner to do things they aren’t ready for or aren’t comfortable with. Be patient with each other and commit to exploring the sex club together, as a couple. You’ll find it more enjoyable if you are both at ease and in this together!
Beyond just setting boundaries for that night, communicate with each other on questions like:
- How and when are you going to check in with each other at the sex club to make sure you’re both on the same page and comfortable?
- What is a secret / lowkey signal that you can give each other to communicate that you’re feeling uncomfortable, need a break, or want to leave?
- How will you communicate with each other if / when you meet someone you’re both attracted to?
- Are you comfortable playing with other people, and if so, in the same room or separately?
- What acts would you / your partner feel comfortable doing or watching the other do?
Be sure to talk through the entire experience and add any other key questions to discuss to this list. It may be difficult to anticipate all the questions that might arise at a swingers club visit, but this is a good starting-off point.
Tips for Everyone
Prepare For Rejection
No matter who you are, in the sex club, you need to prepare for rejection and have a respectful, graceful response and reaction plan ready. People can (and likely will) tell you NO. No one owes you an explanation for why they’re not interested or want to go further.
A graceful reply might sound like: “Thanks. Enjoy your night.” or “Nice meeting you. Cheers.”
Keep it short, graceful, and classy, because people DO notice how you handle rejection.
If you feel the sting after a rejection, remove yourself from the situation and go somewhere quiet to take a few deep breaths and cool down. It’s not the end of the world, so don’t let it ruin your night.
Know Your Sexual Health Status
You always want to be prepared when you enter the sex club knowing your sexual health status and preparing for safer sex. I say “safer” sex because no matter what, sex can never be 100% safe. Some barrier methods can’t prevent, for instance, HPV (and yes, there is a vaccine for HPV). Ask others what their sexual health status is and what protection they have with them. Come prepared with condoms or other barriers, lube, sex toys, toy cleaner, etc. Don’t assume the club will provide those things for you, because they might not, and sexual health and protection is NOT an option, but a necessity.
Stay True to You
Stay true to you and what you’re authentically feeling in the sex club. If you’re not vibing with someone and don’t want to go further, DON’T. Don’t “take one for the team” and play with someone just because you’re caught up in the moment or because your partner or date is connecting with the other person or the other couple you’re with. You have the power to say NO for yourself, without providing them with an explanation.
If you’ve already attended a sex or swingers club but your experience didn’t go as you hoped — or even went awry! — and you need extra help, book a free coaching consultation with me.
I hope this Swingers and Sex Club 101 information and tips were helpful for you! Remember, this should be a FUN experience, so have an open mind, communicate your boundaries, be aware, and enjoy yourself!
Want to add your own tips about sex and swinger clubs? Leave them in the comments below.
If you’re looking for more info about the open lifestyle, check out my Swinging 101 courses, ebooks, and webinars. Or if you’re looking for a more personalized approach to navigating swingers clubs and the open lifestyle, get coached by yours truly.
Until next time, Stay Lexual, my friends and fiends!